HARMONY in an UPROAR:
[line]
A
LETTER
TO
F—d——k H—d—l, Esq;
M——R of the O——A-H——E in the
HAY-MARKET,
FROM
Hurlothrumbo Johnson, Esq;
COMPOSER Extraordinary to all the THEATRES in
G——T-B——T——N,
Excepting that of the HAY-MARKET.
IN WHICH
The RIGHTS and MERITS of both O——S
are properly consider’d.
[line]
———Neq; ut me
miretur turba, laboro,
———Nec pluribus impar.———
[line]
LONDON:
Printed for R. SMITH, in the Strand. 173<?>
[Price One Shilling.]
[2 ... 3]
[double line]
Wonderful
SIR!
THE mounting Flames of my Ambition having long aspir’d to the Honour of holding a small Conversation with you; but being sensible of the almost insuperable Difficulty of getting at you, I bethought me, a Paper Kite might best reach you, and soar to your Apartment, though seated in the highest Clouds; for all the World knows, I can top you, fly as high as you will.
But all preliminary Compliments, and introductory Paragraphs laid aside, let us fall to Business —— You must know then, Sir, that I have been told, and made to understand by your Betters, Sir, that of late you have been damn’d Insolent, Audacious, Impudent and Saucy, and a thousand things else, Sir (that don’t become you) worse than all that ——
Do you see, Sir, —— as to Particulars, we scorn to descend to Particulars; —— for they are look’d upon as great Secrets; —— for your Enemies are very wise, damn’d cunning, and close; confounded close some of them, and terrible Head-pieces, i’faith; as you’ll find to your Cost, before this Season is expir’d, though at the Expence of half their Estates.
Now, Sir, —— you must know I make a formal Demand to you in the Name of all the Muses and Mortals devoted to those divine Sublimities; Why this Discord? Why these stupendous Alarms in the Affairs [4] of Harmony? Why has Musick made so confounded a Noise, that the Great Guns upon the Rhine, and in Italy, affect not our Ears, deafned with an eternal Squawl or Chatter about Operas?
Last Night! O Gods, and Men! it was last Night! Was I awake? or did some infernal Phantom disturb my Brain, just lull’d to Rest? Methought a Voice pierc’d to the Marrow of my Back-Bone, and cry’d, Arise, Musick is at her last Gasp! —— I starting from my flocky Couch, reply’d, How! O Heaven! Musick a dying —— then die Angels, and Mortals! That Sound rous’d all my Faculties to a divine Energy, and made every Artery a Hercules; at once transporting me to the twenty-fifth empyreal Region of the blue-mantled Sky; a thousand Years Journey further than Mahomet ever flew on his Prophet-bearing Ass.
But hush, my Soul, and be your self again; calmly descend to Earth, and deign to converse with its moving Clods: And first for thee, thou delightful musical Machine. Why hast thou dar’d to rouse the roaring Lions, and wily Foxes of the British Nation; who, but for Pity, could tear thy very Being to Atoms in the hundredth Part of an Allegro Minnum; make Crotchets of thy Body, and Semiquavers of thy Soul; and with the powerful Breath of their Nostrils, blow thy Existence beneath the lowest Hell.
Go then, thou mistaken Mortal, prostrate thy self before these Grand Signiors; yield to their most unreasonable Demands; let them spurn and buffet thee: Talk not foolishly of Merit, Justice or Honour, and they may prove so gracious, as to let thee live, and starve; else thy Destruction’s sworn; thy Foes [5] are as merciful as wise, and will not leave thee worth a Groat; the Mightiness and Wisdom of Man have vow’d it.
You now perceive, that, like the Pythian Priestess, I have been inspir’d at my lower Vent-hole, and have utter’d mysterious Truths, Oracles and Wonders; which occasioned my breaking out into the following Rapture, in the Shakespearian or Hurlothrumbian Stile.
O Heav’n-born
Harmony! thou Daughter sure of Hell!
Thou
tuneful Discord! —— beauteous Ugliness!
Why dost
thou charm us into Madness thus?
That
blindly groping round the darkned Globe,
We know
not Day from Night, or if we live:
O save
us from our selves; make poor Men rich;
Let
great Men say, what ’tis they would be at?
Or touch
their Heads, and tell ’em what they want.
Then having eat two Pounds of Beef-Stake, and drank four Quarts of Mild and Stale, my Fury, Prophetick and Poetick, gently subsided into a proper Temper for a Judge, obstinate and drowsy; upon which I determin’d, that it was a Duty incumbent upon me, if possible, to make this Hurly-Burly up; but being convinced, that it is impossible for a Majority, especially of the Majores, to err; and that a single Minor must be very impar to such a many-headed Pluribus; I am humbly of the Opinion, before I hear you, that you are certainly in the wrong: But to shew my Impartiality, since I am declared Umpire in this weighty Cause, I solemnly cite you before my Tribunal; where, as my Cousin Rowley Powley very wittily observes, [6]
Major rerum nascitur ordo.
But I believe my wise Relation was so busy in burlesquing Milton, that he mistook the Quotation, and should have rather inserted that Line of the two hundredth Book of Pliny’s Natural History, where talking of the Difference of the musical Notes of Birds and Beasts, he says,
Major ferarum asinus nascitur turdo.
Which, in modern Translation, is as much as to say, that the Braying of an Ass makes a greater Noise than the Whistling of a Thrush.
But since you are called upon in this solemn manner, before an unbiass’d Judge, and the most honourable, impartial, numerous Grand-Jury that ever appear’d upon any Trial, I hope you’ll behave like a Gentleman; own yourself guilty at once, and save us a great deal of Time and Trouble. But before you proceed to your Defence, consider who you have to do with; think of that, Sir, and tremble. Know, Mortal, that there are leagu’d against you as many bl——e, g——n and r—d R——ns, as would serve to hang up you, your Singers, and your whole Orchestre, like so many dead Moles upon a Hedge-Row: mighty Men, and wise Men; some of them wise enough to be Justices of the Peace. Will not all this frighten you? --- Are you in your right Wits? --- Rat me, if I don’t think you in as bad a Situation, as if a Whirl-wind, and an Earthquake, and a fiery Torrent from Mount AEtna, and as if —— but I must defer my Similes ’till next Page. —— [7]
Well, Sir! —— you need not give your self much pains about your Defence, I know all your Arguments, before I hear them. —— I am sensible you wou’d have it believ’d in your Favour, that you are no way to blame in the whole of this Affair; but that when S——no had declar’d he would leave England, you thought yourself oblig’d in Honour, to proceed with your Contract, and provide for yourself elsewhere; that as for C——oni, you had no Thoughts of her, no Hopes of her, nor no want of her, S——da being in all respects infinitely Superior, in any Excellency requir’d for a Stage; as for Singers in the under Parts, you had provided the best Sett we ever had yet; tho’ basely deserted by Mon——na, after having sign’d a formal Contract to serve you the whole of this Season; which you might still force him to do, were you not more afraid of W——r-H——ll, than ten thousand D——rs, or ten thousand D——ls. —— I know, you’ll say, that as you were oblig’d to carry on Operas this Winter, you imagin’d you might be at Liberty to proceed in the Affair, in that Manner which wou’d prove most to the Satisfaction of the unprejudic’d Part of the Nobility and Gentry, and your own Interest and Honour. I know[,] you’ll say, it was impossible for you to comply with the unreasonable and savage Proposals made to you; by which you were to give up all Contracts, Promises[,] nay risque your Fortune, to gratify fantastical Whims and unjust Picques. I know, you’ll say, that if you were misled, or have judg’d wrong at any Time in raising the Price of your Tickets, that you were sufficiently punish’d, without carrying the Resentment, arising thereupon, to such a length. I know, you’ll say, Considering [8] that Entertainment in any light, it better merited so extravagant a Price, than any other Entertainment ever yet exhibited to this Nation, not excepting the most celebrated of the Bear-Garden. —— I know, you’ll say, that if ——
Z——nds, Sir, hold —— a little respite I beg of you —— oh! oh! —— you run on at such a Rate, I’m quite out of Breath —— following —— and can’t come up to you —— But before you proceed —— let me answer this Troop of Assertions —— one by one —— or let me see —— to save the Publick some Time and Fatigue in canvassing Arguments on both Sides, I had better do it by the Lump; Therefore I do here solemnly declare upon the Honour of an Esquire, and the Word of a Gentleman, that all you assert, is false, —— utterly false, damnably false; and that you’re an impudent Liar, and a Scoundrel, and a Rascal; —— and so G--d conf---nd you, and rot you and yours to all Eternity[,] and ten times worse than all that; and if this Answer is not sufficient to convince you, and all the reasonable Part of this Town, that you’re positively in the Wrong, I have no more to say; for nothing can be more plain on my side.
In the same Manner, argue your Partizans at the Chocolate and Coffee-houses. —— Says a very Fine Gentleman to me t’other Day (whom Car——ino I suppose has catch’d by the Ears) —— So, Mr. Hurlothrumbo, I hear you’re a great Stickler for the Opera at L——n’s-I-- F——ds; a pretty Sett of Singers, truly! and for Composers, you out-do the World! —— Don’t you think, says he, at this Time of Life, S--no could twang a Prayer finely thro’ the Nose in Petticoats at a Conventicle? Hah! —— or what think you, [9] says he, of Si——ra Ce——sti snuffling a Hymn there in Concert; or Madam B——lli, with her unmeaning Voice, with as little Force in it as a Pair of Smith’s Bellows with twenty holes in the Sides: Your Base, indeed, makes a humming Noise, and could roar to some ‘Purpose, if he had Songs proper for him; as for your S——ra Fag——tto, she indeed may with her Master be sent home to School again; and by the Time she is Fourscore, she’ll prove a vast Addition to a Bonefire; or make a fine Duenna in a Spanish Opera.
Humph! says he, your Composers too have behav’d notably, truly; —— your Porpoise, says he, may roul and rumble about as he pleases, and prelude to a Storm of his own raising; but you should let him know, that a bad Imitation always wants the Air and Spirit of an Original, and that there is a wide difference betwixt full Harmony, and making a Noise. —— I know, says he, your Expectations are very high, from the Performance of the King of Arragon; but that Trolly Colly Composer, says he, a stupid Cantata-Thrummer, must make a mighty poor Figure in an Opera; tho’ he was so nice last Winter, that he would not allow that Han——l could Compose, or Sen——no Sing: What Art he has us’d, to produce him now as the first Voice in Europe, I can’t imagine, but you must not depend upon his Majesty too far, says he; for to my Knowledge, he has been engag’d by a formal Deputation from the General Assembly of N——th Br——n, to new-set their Sc——ch Psalms, and be Clerk to the High Kirk in Edinburgh, with a Salary of one hundred Pound Scots, per Ann. Not able longer to bear the taunting [10] Reproaches of this foul-mouth’d Monkey-tail’d Railer, in a Fury I rose from my Seat, whip’d my Hand at once to my —— Pocket, threw two Pence on the Bar; look’d over my Shoulder at him, as the Devil did over Lincoln--I--F--ds, and then in a Passion withdrew.
But these Transactions without Doors, are not to be regarded, nor shall they save your Bacon: Therefore proceed we now without more delay to your Trial. —— Cryer — O yes? —— O yes? —— &c.
This is to give Notice, to all Directors of Operas, Masters of Play-houses, Patentees with Patents or without, Composers, Performers, or other Masters that neither Compose nor Perform, all Dancing-Masters, Exhibiters of Poppet-Shews, Presidents of Bear-Gardens, Rope-Dancers, but particularly all Judges of Musick and others --- That they now appear and produce their several Complaints against the Prisoner at the Bar, in order to bring him to speedy Justice.
Court. Frederick Handel, Hold up your Hand. Know you are here brought to answer to the several following high Crimes and Misdemeanors, committed upon the Wills and Understandings, and against the Peace of our Sovereign Lord the Mobility of Great-Britain, particularly this Metropolis: To which you shall make true and faithful Answer —— So help you Musick —— Swear him upon the two Operas of Ariadne, alias the Cuckoo and the Nightingale.
Imprimis, You are charg’d with having bewitch’d us for the Space of twenty Years past; nor do we know where your Inchantments will end, if a timely Stop is not put to them; they threatning us with an entire Destruction of Liberty, and an absolute Tyranny [11] in your Person, over the whole Territories of the Hay-Market.
Secondly, You have most insolently dar’d to give us good Musick and sound Harmony, when we wanted and desir’d bad; to the great Encouragement of your Opera’s, and the Ruin of our good Allies and Confederates, the Professors of bad Musick.
Thirdly, —— You have most feloniously and arrogantly assum’d to yourself an uncontroul’d Property of pleasing us, whether we would or no; and have often been so bold as to charm us, when we were positively resolv’d to be out of Humour.
Besides these, we can, at convenient Time or Times, produce and prove five hundred and fifteen Articles of lesser Consequence, which may in the whole, at least, amount to accumulative Treason —— How say you, Sir, are you guilty of the said Charge or no?
Prisoner. —— Guilty of the whole Charge.
Court. —— We knew it must be so; Pshaw, pshaw, it could not be otherways — But to shew our Indulgence for your so readily complying, and saving us the Trouble of producing our several Evidences; and to demonstrate to the World our Impartiality in the whole Progress of this Affair; before we proceed to pass Sentence upon so old and notorious an Offender, we give you leave to make a Speech, in which, if you behave prudently, it may occasion a Mitigation of the Rigour of the intended Sentence; but be sure your Speech be a wise one, or it will not pass Muster with us Aca—cians.
Now set your self in Order, look mighty Grave and Wise; as wise as an Emperor in an Elbow-Chair; screw your Muscles into Form; so, now balance your [12] Hands, and see saw them up and down like an Orator —— tolerably well.
Clerk of the Court — Frederick Handel, look full at the Court, and make three Bows.
Court. —— Sirrah —— Demme, we say —— Sirrah! what has your Stupidity to offer in your Defence, that Sentence of Annihilation should not be immediately pronounc’d against you and your Tramontani of the Hay-Market, for daring to oppose our mighty Wills and Pleasures —— well said Us!
Pris. —— Most noble, Right honourable, and superlatively excellent ——
Court. —— Go on —— Scoundrel ——
Pris. — I am almost confounded at being thus arraign’d before so August an Assembly of the wisest Heads of the Nation; and to appear as a Criminal, where tho’ I am guilty of the Charge, I am as innocent of any Crime, as ignorant of any real Accusation. Wherein have I offended?
Court. —— Why, you saucy Son of a B—h, do you pretend to impeach the Honour, Sense or Power of the Court? Wherein have you offended! unparalell’d Audaciousness, when we have said you have offended. Scoundrel! you’re as impudent as a red hot Poker, which is enough to put any Face out of Countenance. But, Sirrah, if you are not guilty by Law, we’ll prove it logically —— No Man is brought to this Bar, but who is guilty —— You are brought to this Bar ——
Ergo —— Do you understand a Syllogysm, Rascal? ’Tis plain as a Dutchman’s Backside by Day-light; no Man at the Old-Baily ever had a fairer Trial for his Life; away with him, Goaler, to the Condemn’d- [13] Hold, —— till the Warrant is sign’d for his Execution.
Now, Sir, you may think this Usage very severe --- But to shew you upon what a weak Foundation you build your Pretences to support an Opera; I’ll prove by Twenty-Five substantial Reasons, that you’re no Composer, nor know no more of Musick than you do of Algebra. You may look grave at this Assertion, but hear me, and confute me.
First then, Sir, -- Have you taken your Degrees? Boh! —— ha, ha, ha! Are you a Doctor, Sir? ha, ha! a fine Composer indeed, and not a Graduate; fie, fie, you might as well pretend to be a Judge, without having been ever call’d to the Bar; or pretend to be a Bishop, and not a Christian. Why Doctor Pushpin and Doctor Blue laugh at you, and scorn to keep you Company; and they have vow’d to me, that it is scarcely possible to imagine how much better they compos’d after the Commencement Gown was thrown over their Shoulders than before; it was as if a musical —— had laid Hands upon them, and inspired them with the Enthusiasm of Harmony.
Secondly, Sir, —— I understand you have never read Euclid, are a declar’d Foe to all the proper Modes, and Forms, and Tones of Musick, and scorn to be subservient to, or ty’d up by Rules, or have your Genius cramp’d: Thou Goth and Vandal to just Sounds; we may as well place Nightingales and Canary-birds behind the Scenes, and take the wild Operas of Nature from them, as allow you to be a Composer: An ingenious Carpenter, with a Rule and Compass, will succed better in Composition, thou finish’d Irregularity. [14]
Thirdly, Sir, —— I have heard it own’d by some of your best Friends; that being one Sunday in a Country Church, you made a terrible Blunder in singing the Psalms, put out the Clerk and the whole Congregation, to the great Disturbance of the Parson and his Flock; nor did they recover the Confusion you threw them into, in a Month after; therefore I submit it to the proper Judges, if an Ignorant in a Country Psalm, can be allow’d a Composer of Oratorio’s.
Fourthly, Sir, —— It has been objected to you, I believe with some Truth (for I never knew one Man take your Part in it) that you can no more Dance a Cheshire Horn-Pipe, than you can fly down a Rope from Paul’s Church; a Composer, and not Dance a Cheshire-Round! Incredible! I have made it apparent to some Audiences, as numerous as Polite, that the Beauty of Composition, and the Force of a fine Genius, lay in Singing, Dancing, and Fidling at the same Time; nor will it now be contested, that Footing it well is as necessary to shew a Man’s brightest Parts, as any Productions of his Head-piece.
But as for my fifth Reason, Sir, —— That indeed wou’d be sufficient to convince the most Bigotted in your Favour, of your Incapacity in this Art; nor will it scarcely be believed, when I can demonstrate to the blind Understandings of your Admirers, that, by G—d, you have made such Musick, as never Man did before you, nor, I believe, never will be thought of again, when you’re gone.
My other twenty Reasons are full as strong as these, but my Printer says he can afford no more Reasons for Twelve-pence; but surely these may be allow’d sufficient to the Reasonable; and tho’ you and your Friends have [15] Fronts of a Metal some Degrees harder than Corinthian Brass; yet how will them same metallick Countenances stare, when I shall assert, that to exhibit your Performances in the Perfection of your Art, it must be, not as a Composer, but a Conjurer; yes, Sir, a Conjurer, look as grum as you please; and the Whole of your Merit shall in proper Colours be shewn not to proceed from the Art of Musick, but the Black-Art.
It has in many Particulars been made manifest to the religious Part of your Audiences, that for these twenty Years past (as was well observed in your Trial) you have practis’d Sorcery in this Kingdom upon his Majesty’s Liege Subjects, and often bewitch’d every Sense we have; there was not a Letter in one of your publick Bills, but had Magick in it; and if at any time a Squeak of one of your Fiddles, or the Tooting of a Pipe was heard, Hey bounce! we prick’d up our Ears like so many wild Colts; away danc’d the whole Town, Helter skelter, like a Rabble-Rout after a mad Bull; squeezing, and pressing, and shoving, and happy were they that could be squeez’d to Death. You have rais’d the Dead, and engag’d all the Heroes, Antique or Modern, from Theseus to Orlando Furioso, to fight your Battles for you; you can call up Devils, and bring down Spirits, to inchant us; as if at any time another Composer civilly introduc’d a Patient, Strolling, Pastoral Princess to instruct us, up starts one of your damn’d Knight-Errand Alexanders or Julius Caesars, and most inhumanly frighted the poor Lady out of her Wits, and laid, at one Stroke, the Composer flat on his Back. There is no bearing such Usage in a Christian Country! nay, what is worse, and what I think should be taken Notice of by our pious reverend Be—ch of B——ps, whenever you gave us a [16] Christian Hero, as Rinaldo or Amadis, you took care to bring in some damn’d heathenish Wizard to play Pranks for them, and shew that you wholly work’d by Witchcraft; nay, such an Ascendant had you got over us, that we cried up every where other Composers for the first Masters in the World, and would not allow you to produce one Bar of tolerable Musick; yet we never went near their Performances, and nolens volens were hurry’d away by some of your infernal Agents, to crowd your Houses; and when we would have lock’d up our Wives and Daughters from your Power, Presto pass, they whipp’d through Key-Holes, or Chimney-Tops to you: If this is not being carried away by Inchantment, I can’t tell what it is. If at any time the Magick of your Opera lost its Force, by being too often us’d, away went the D——l and you to work in a Vizard, to hide your evil Designs, and then out comes an Oratorio, or a Serenata; and just as we had begun to recover our Senses, all of a sudden we run as mad as ever; and, hoity toity, away went we, like so many Witches on Broomsticks and Hobby-Horses, to the Prince of Darkness’s Midnight Revels. If this is not downright Witchcraft, I never knew a Conjurer in my Life. But to put the Matter beyond all Dispute; Have you not this very Season imported from Italy an Arch-Fiend, one Care—no, that will play the Devil with us before he quits us, and leagu’d yourself to a notorious Witch, one Str—da, that never lets us be quiet Night nor Day; and as if these were not sufficient to play Tricks with the whole Kingdom, you have brought over the whole Family of the Negri’s to make Magicians, Sirens, Devils, and other Ministers of Darkness, to carry on your infernal Designs. But that ignorant, well-meaning Persons may no longer be [17] seduc’d by you, or think that Musick is but a harmless Amusement, let them consider, that nothing was ever look’d upon more proper to carry on Inchantments by than Harmony; it was always made use of by Antients and Moderns upon such Occasions, at all solemn Sacrifices, Invocations of Ghosts or Devils, calling up Spirits from the Earth, or down from the Air, Musick was held the only Lure to entice them; nay, Belzebub himself has a great Command that way, and constantly entertains his Votaries, at their Installations, Festivals, and Nocturnal Meetings, with Operas, Symphonies, Voluntaries, and Madrigals in the Air, and I fear, Sir, has but too often lent a helping Hand to you. But I hope this prudent Sub—on at L— -I-n-F—ds will put an End to your Charms, and knock off the Fetters we have so long wore; nor are we without Hopes, that thro’ you, Musick may receive such a home Thrust, as she may never recover (at least in England) again: And if the Statute for burning Witches and Wizards was in full Force, I know who should soon be whipp’d into the Middle of a Bonfire of his own Works, and like a Swan die to some Tune.
But to come a little nearer to the Merits of the Cause, and give you a Wound where you think your self most secure: Your Party very confidently, and with an Air of Wisdom, give out, that you are all very much surpriz’d, that so weighty a Part of the Grand Leg—ture should employ both their Time and Money so ill, as in setting up one O—ra-H—se to ruin another, without ever giving the Appearance of a formal Reason for acting so; when their precious Hours, and vast Parts, might, at this critical Juncture, be of infinite Service to their Country; when we are almost at a Loss how to behave. [18]
Mighty pretty, truly — how charmingly wise, and sententious! Notable Speech-makers indeed! — How Murder will out! Does not this Objection alone make good all that we have been disputing about these three Hours? Is it not obvious that so many great M—, mighty great M— (who are so over-loaded with the Burthen of Publick Affairs, that all common Necessaries of Life are neglected to attend that Service) would ever have taken all this Trouble about so lousy and paultry a Fellow as you? Had not your Insolence arriv’d to such an unparalell’d Pitch of Audaciousness, that it quite threaten’d the utter Ruin of the Nation, had they not timely stood in the Gap made in our Liberties and Properties by your Musick, the Torrent in another Year or two might have swept away — God knows what — But, like true Patriots, they interpos’d, and ventur’d Lives and Fortunes to save us.
You may, if you please, very pertly ask, Pray how could all this be effected by so innocent an Entertainment as an O—ra? How, you D—g? How could it be sooner effected than by an O—ra? That Source of Expence, Luxury, Idleness, Sloth and Effeminacy, and all that; a damn’d Set of Italian Squeakers and Fidlers: Nor indeed was there any other Method left to ruin your Opera, and demolish the Ascendant you had gain’d over us, but by setting up another Source of Expence, Luxury, Idleness, Sloth, and Effeminacy, and all that; and wisely contriv’d too, Sirrah, that you might not have the whole Plunder of a rich Nation to your self, but that some of our most noted Spirits for Sense and Patriotism might come in for a Share with you. For if one O—ra was thought so very burthensome, and gave such Room for just Complaints; [19] no way so proper to make us sensible of its Weight, and our Mistake, as setting up two.
Nor is it these mighty Men alone that would devour you; the whole musical World is united against you; the King of Arragon swears you want Softness; Signor Porpoise finds you deficient in Roughness; Mr. Honeycomb protests, that he cannot adapt one Air of your Composition either to his Eyes or Nose; and they are such Stuff as is only fit for the Throat of a Care—ni or a Stra—a; Mr. Gaynote vows you produce no pretty thing, that is to say, pleasingly pretty, to tickle the Ladies; Dr. Pushpin affirms, you are no Mathematician; and Dr. Blue roundly asserts in all Companies, that you are quite void of Spirit and Invention: Nay, I can produce an Italian Nobleman, whose musical Judgment is universally allow’d of (especially if his Spectacles are on) who has assur’d me, that you know no more of Harmony, than he does of the Tricks of a Faro-Table, or a Bowling-Green. It is true, from his Dress and Situation of late, he may be look’d upon to puff a little of our Side; but that is only by way of Amusement; for to shew his Impartiality, he has often condescended to give you Hints for your Improvement; and went so far as to invite you to eat a Tripe-soop and Fricassey of Sheep’s Trotters, at Little Pontack’s near St. Martin’s Church, with him; when he had a Scheme to propose of infinite Advantage to you, without any Prospect to himself, but the Payment of his Dinners, and the Liberty of your Gallery, which your Ignorance and Obstinacy refused. As for that indefatigable Society, the Gropers into Antique Musick, and Hummers of Madrigals, they swoon at the Sight of any Piece [20] modern, particularly of your Composition, excepting the Performances of their venerable President, whose Works bear such vast Resemblance to the regular Gravity of the Ancients, that when dress’d up in Cobwebs, and powder’d with Dust, the Philarmonick Spiders could dwell on them, and in them, to Eternity[.]
But if my concise Method of reasoning, or happy Talent of convincing by Demonstration, have not been able to satisfy you, in order to make a compleat Conquest, I must attack you in your own Way, and draw a — Cantata upon you; which is adapted to the Musick of an Ancestor of the King of Arragon’s, who had the Honour to be Madrigal-Composer to the Children of Queen Elizabeth’s Scullery: The Words I translated in the Modern Taste, from the Original Italian of that incomparable Dramatick Poet, Signor Rowley-Powley.
L—— J—— T—— Triumphant.
A CANTATA.
To the Tune of, Welcome Joan Saunderson, &c.
RECITATIVE.
Welcome sweet P——ra to Britain’s Shore,
A--ne now adds to our Musical Store.
AIR.
O my sweet P——ra!
’Tis a fine Opera;
We will play it then o’er and o’er,
And over again, Nights full Threescore,
’Till the whole World comes near us no more.
Da Capo. [21]
DUET.
This Opera will no farther go,
Hark ye, Sir Treasurer! — why say you so?
It will not do; — it ne’er can do,
Without you get in Don F--di---do.
CHORUS.
He must come to, and he shall come to,
And he must come to, whether he will or no.
RECITATIVE.
Welcome sweet Arragon over the Main,
Is Don F--di---do safe landed from Spain?
AIR.
O my Dear Arragon,
This is a Paragon;
We will play it over again,
And over again, to free us from Pain;
All in the Tweedeldum, deedeldum Strain.
Da Capo.
DUET.
Alas! the poor Don no longer can go,
Then there is an
end of all our fine Shew:
If this won’t do, how shall we get Money?
Why! — wait the Arrival of Madam Cuz—ni.
CHORUS.
She must come to, and she shall come to:
If she’ll not come to, this never will do.
By this little Sketch, Sir, you find we are not at a Loss for Words, Sir, nor Musick, Sir, to equal any Thing of yours; and before this Season is out, we shall firk you up with an Or—rio, shall make your Hair stand [22] an end; and I am determin’d (if nothing else will do) to be at the Expence of Books and Masters to get a Smattering of the Black-Art, that we may be able to play Conjurer against Conjurer, and Devil against Devil with you, to the End of the Chapter.
But now, Sir, that I have sung you a Song, give me leave to tell you a Tale; and perhaps before I have done with you, like my Betters, to shew my Breeding, I may chance to let a F—t ——— But to my Story, —— You must know then, Sir, I once went to the World in the Moon; how I got there, is no Business of yours or mine at present —— but I fail’d and fail’d farther than I can tell, till I came to the World of the Moon: This I can assure you, I was neither fir’d out of a Blunderbuss from hence, nor blown up by a Sky-rocket, nor flown away with by Woodcocks or Wild-geese, nor drawn up by the magnetick Force of a Mountain of Adamant in the Middle of the Country; but, in short, I came there — My Profession and Merit were soon known, it not being possible to hide any extraordinary Genius from the penetrating Capacities of that Country, particularly in the Art of Musick, of which they affect, to the greatest Degree, to appear very fond and very knowing; but betwixt you and I, Sir (but be sure you keep it secret) the Majority of its Inhabitants have their Ears plac’d so near their Backsides, that they frequently sit upon them.
However, the Brilliant Rays of my Talents in that Art, quickly enlighten’d that opaque Globe so far, that I was immediately admitted into the good Graces of the Court, and principal Grandees; who were all ravished with the Novelty and Exquisiteness of my Compositions: In consequence of which I was declar’d [23] principal Composer to their O---as; and shou’d have enjoy’d the same Station in the Court Chapels and Publick Temples, only that Place could not be conferr’d upon a Foreigner: Yet upon all solemn Occasions, they were oblig’d to have Recourse to me for their Religious Musick, tho’ their ordinary Services were all compos’d and perform’d by Blockheads that were Natives; they claiming from several Laws, a Right hereditary; to have the Places in their Temples supply’d with Fools of their own Country. But People of Taste in general being more nice in the Affairs of any Amusement than those of Religion, cou’d not bear that the Musick in their O---as should be so trifled with, and slabber’d over by unskilful Composers, or Performers; therefore were at a prodigious Expence for Voices and Instruments from the Kingdom of the Sun, or other Countries in some of the fix’d Stars.
No Merit can secure a Man from Envy, when eminent in any Profession; of course my Success rais’d me many Rivals; the Moon-Calfs (who have a mortal Aversion to being too long pleas’d with any Thing, and are only noted for Inconstancy) gave into their Projects, and form’d strong Parties against me; which always appear’d done more in Pique to me, than Love to them: But their Compositions prov’d so contemptible, and in all Respects so inferior to mine, that when ever we contended, I carry’d the Day, my Enemies still decreeing me the Prize, yet continuing my Enemies.
In this State for several Years I triumph’d almost absolute in the Empire of Musick, nor ever disturb’d, but from some small Malecontents without Doors, who either wish’d the total Ruin of Harmony, or were quite eat up with Spleen and Vapours, and did not know what [24] they wou’d be at: I was prodigiously caress’d at Court, the Royal Family (as in all other polite Arts and Sciences) being not only Lovers, but perfect Judges of Musick; but more particularly the divine Princess Urania, who condescended to be my Scholar, and made that Proficiency, as seem’d almost miraculous to me her Master; nay, to that exquisite Degree, that the Amusement only carry’d it to as great a Height in her, as in the most Ingenious, who made it their Profession: This Favour so far from diminishing, created me fresh Foes, who generally sprouted up from Stocks and Stones, like the new Race after Ovid’s Deluge: Upon which the splenetick Tribe of fine Gentlemen and very fine Ladies, (quite out of Patience that I gave them no Musick they cou’d find fault with) determin’d to oppose my Scheme, and have an O—a of their own, where they were sure to have as much bad Musick, as their Hearts could desire: They listed Composers, who never dar’d to shew their Heads in Moon-land as such, but under their Banners; and then taking into Pay some cast-off Performers, who had appear’d in under Parts in my O—as, and some Strollers, who sung Ballads about the Streets, with an old noted Gelderino at their head (who was almost past his Business, and had besides a great Hole quite thro’ his Lungs, so that more of his Breath broke out downwards than upwards) with this Ragamuffin Troop they pretended to set up, against me, having hir’d a large Booth for that purpose, where there had been formerly Poppet-shews, and Rope-dancing; they made a vast Subscription to carry on this grand Design, drawing in most of the young Fellows of their Acquaintance, by great Promises, and notorious Fal—ds, but who soon became sick of the [25] Project, and wou’d have parted with their Billets at a very great Discount: The most Violent (and who headed their Party, were the D-c de Buffalo, the D-c de Trincalo, the M--qui Sansterre, C---te Spend-All, C--te Fathead, B—n Saddog, and the Ch—r Squatt: Nay, they went so far as to give out, that they received some Encouragement from Monseigneur, the K--g’s eldest Son, who only laugh’d at them in his Sleeve.
I had then in Pay a perfect Sett of Performers, particularly Angelo Carrioli, and Coeleste Vocale; the Unprejudic’d were amaz’d at the Vastness of their Judgment and Justice, as well as Beauty of their Execution. My Opponents were oblig’d to make use of all their Interest and Industry, not only to get Company to their House, but to keep those who cou’d not suffer their low Entertainments from coming to mine; nor did they spare entring into the most indirect Means to Ruin me; having not only decoy’d a noted Performer from me, after having for a Term formally bound himself to serve me, but by some underhand Slight, they spirited away two very remarkable Monsters, the first Night of a new O---a, who had for a considerable Time been train’d up to the Stage; but by good luck I had some more Monsters in another Den, tho’ not so expert at their Business.
They open’d their Musical Droll the first Night to a crowded Audience, Numbers being drawn thither by Curiosity, and by the Boldness and Stupidity of the Attempt; their Success consisted in a full House that Night, but Applause no Night; their Company dropp’d off at once, and then they had recourse to the most unfair and ungentleman-like Behaviour, that ever was known [26] upon such an Occasion, to make an Audience; even using F--ce rudely, to such as would not comply; and b—ing or hiring others, to visit their House.
For some Time I play’d gently with these charming Gudgeons, and, maugre all their pitiful Efforts, kept my Head above Water; but at last I came slap-dash upon them with a new O--a of my own Composition; which answer’d to my Profit, and the Pleasure of the Town; their Weakness was made manifest, they were defeated, and I triumph’d. Indeed they made another small Push, in bringing upon the Stage one of the most execrable, low Entertainment that ever was heard; it was receiv’d according to its Merit, which enhanc’d the Value of mine the more.
I might now have ruled, undisturb’d, the whole Empire of Harmony in the Moon, it being reckon’d the highest Presumption, or Rashness, to oppose me in a Dominion so lawfully gain’d, and so equitably supported.
But being fir’d with a just Indignation at the unworthy Treatment I met with from a People I so long honour’d and charm’d with my Performances, and for whom I had incessantly labour’d for above twenty Years, I resolv’d to quit the Country: Accordingly, as soon as my Contract for that Season was expir’d, I hired a large Palanquin, and carry’d off the principal of my Voices and Performers Instrumental to the Kingdom of the Sun; where I was caress’d to the highest Degree, not oppress’d by the Great, nor chagrin’d by the impotent Attempts of any jealous Rival in the Art. There I remain’d several Years, honour’d and belov’d, loaded with Riches and Reputation; yet my kind Reception cou’d never stifle my innate Love for my own Country; where being happily arriv’d, I hope to spend the [23 {sic}] Remainder of my Days in that Quiet of Mind and reasonable Enjoyment of Fortune, which none of my mean-spirited Opposers ever can taste.
Now, Sir, —— What think you of my Tale? — or how like you my Jaunt to the World in the Moon? — If in this small Sketch of some Part of my Life, you find any Rules for your future Conduct, in observing them, you may make me your Friend, and shew your self a wise Man.
But to return to the Subject of the former Part of my Letter; I think I have made it very plainly appear, that You or some Body else is damnably in the Wrong; and I believe most People will allow (even the most warm Partizans of both Sides of the Question) that it is absolutely necessary, for the better Entertainment of the Court, Nobility, and Gentry, to contrive some Method of gently blowing into the Air, one O---a-H---se, and all concern’d in it.
As you have some Reason to dread this Proposal; yet you cannot plead Ignorance, or not having timely Warning given you by,
Wonderful
SIR!
Yours, as you merit
it,
From my Apartments in Moor-fields-Palace, Feb. 12, 1733.
Hurlothrumbo Johnson.
FINIS.[1]
[1] repr. The Miscellaneous
Works of the late Dr. Arbuthnot, 2 vols. (Glasgow: James Carlile, 1751),
2:18-42; Chrysander, 2:339-54 (in German).